So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
