What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He better not be in your backpack
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
