I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
