can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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