Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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