My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
