He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
