Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
