Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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