Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
