My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
