My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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