I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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