How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
