people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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