life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
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Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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