mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
