pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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