i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Every concussion has its silver lining
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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