my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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