I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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