I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
