New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
