guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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