I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
