dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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