You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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