see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
