Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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