What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize