one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
