Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
