I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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