I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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