My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
