Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
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