Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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