anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
