I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
