dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
