she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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