I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
