im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
