I hate your face
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
