trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
