Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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