I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Found the puke drawer
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
