you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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