part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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