dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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