i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
