the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
