Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
