If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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