I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue