I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
