i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
