I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
