i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
