We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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